i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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