I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
