wakey wakey hands off snakey
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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