Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
