my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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