So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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