i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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