Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
