i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
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Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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