apparently the secret to your success is patron
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
