Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
