He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
