if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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