if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
