you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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