just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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