I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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