Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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