We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
