I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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