I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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