a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
