Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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