I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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