so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
