he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My ass is underappreciated
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
