Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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