So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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