please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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