There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
