I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
