My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I think I have vodka in my lungs
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
