Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
