My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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