I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
