I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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