She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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