If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
