remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
