Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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