Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
