I wish I could teleport
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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