then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
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