R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
