Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Let's get the cat blown out
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
