I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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