I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am midnight drunk by noon
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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