yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
