She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
