I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
