When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
