Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
