It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
