i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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