Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
