my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
