She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
