The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
