there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
