I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
